We got a call from LaJuana at UAMS yesterday afternoon that the results of the FISH test (additional test to the CVS procedure) were in and that they did not see any chromosomal abnormalities! WOO HOO!!!! Also, the baby is a girl and we will name her Chloe Anne. :0)
SUCH good news!! I was so tired yesterday that I wanted to go to sleep at 6:30 last night but of course that just didn't happen. In fact, Jeff and I didn't get into bed until after midnight, then Zach woke up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream (Bless his little heart!). So tired today but the good news from yesterday is keeping me going with energy I didn't think I had at 5:30 this morning. :0)
Praise God for His Blessings!! So thankful for this year of growth, love and loss and thankful for Blessings in abundance!!
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!
Love you all!!
Ginger P. :0)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Good news and bad news...
Good news: I am 11 weeks pregnant and am feeling good, just very tired. We saw the baby on Tuesday in a sonogram and the nuchal translucency test looked good so we were very encouraged by that! To do the nuchal translucency test, the sonographer (our Amanda....I do love her so!) said that the baby needed to wake up and move around so the measurement could be taken. Apparently, Baby Peanut didn't like being wakened so she mooned us during the sonogram. Ha ha! She must get that from her Daddy's side of the family. (hee hee)
Bad news: Although the sonogram encouraged us and gave me SUCH a wonderful feeling of relief, it was short-lived. The next day we got a call from Debbie, our nurse, who told us that my bloodwork came back with increased risk for trisomy. I remember I kept saying "...but the nuchal fold looked so good...". What a surreal moment. I know that this is not as bad as David's case was because his nuchal fold was huge in addition to the results from the bloodwork. I hoping and praying for the best case scenario which is that this is a false positive.....I pray that worst case scenario is that the baby has Down's and not something worse. I know that it is EXTREMELY rare for one family to have two children with severe chromosomal abnormalities, so this also gives me encouragement. I can't help but feel nervous and scared because this is such a bad case of dejavu. I guess that is why I am awake at 5 a.m. putting all my thoughts and feelings in my blog.
Blessings: Jeff and I have had a pretty rough patch lately. Lots of things I never thought we would face and we are trying to work things out. It isn't easy but we are trying. Recently, someone told me about the statistic of divorce among couples who experience the loss of a child. I looked it up and was stunned! While what Jeff and I are going through is not ideal, it is not abnormal among couples who have experienced what we have. This gives me hope in that our troubles lately are not because of cracks in our marital foundation, but maybe it all stems from emotions and communication issues.
Another Blessing is the team of people who are caring for me during this pregnancy (they are the same wonderful people who cared for me during my pregnancy with David). Dr. Lowery even rescheduled appts so that he could make a special trip to do the CVS procedure tomorrow (well, since it is after 5 a.m. maybe it is now "today"). The level of commitment these people have to their patients astounds me! I absolutely love how dedicated they are!
More Blessings come from the elders at our church, Cornerstone Bible Fellowship. They are helping Jeff and I through this rough patch and they have never wavered in supporting us through all of the difficulties we have faced.
Even more Blessings come from our friends and family members who leave loving messages on Facebook and in our email. I am a bit too overwhelmed to respond to them all right now but I will respond to them all after the CVS procedure is done and I have some time to myself afterwards.
The CVS procedure is scheduled from 12:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. on Friday, November 20th. If I am still in the procedure at 2 p.m., Jeff will have to leave me there and go pick up the kids from their schools in Sherwood and in Jacksonville and then come back to Little Rock to pick me up. I am just thankful that Jeff was able to get off work for the afternoon.
Weird stuff: My poor Mom's condo caught on fire Wednesday night. When she got home from work, there were people standing around outside the building, firetrucks were there, and some women she had never seen before was holding her dog. The fire started in the unit next to hers and my mom's condo has quite a bit of damage to it but it is not as bad as it could have been. My precious Mom is taking all of this with a great sense of humor and I admire her so much for that! I hope to be like that some day. :0)
Here is the video link about the fire and still photos of the blaze and aftermath (my mom's house is the one with the broken windows, curtain hanging out, and garage door hanging crooked....the fire department had to break into her house and go into the attic to try to keep the blaze from spreading):
http://bigcountryhomepage.com/content/fulltext/?cid=195232
There has been so many things lately that have hit our family. I feel as if there is a spiritual war going on and my family is smack in the middle of it. I pray that God give us the peace we had throughout our time with David and that He shows us what He wants us to do in these situations.
Most of all, I pray for the best case scenario for out Little Peanut!
Bad news: Although the sonogram encouraged us and gave me SUCH a wonderful feeling of relief, it was short-lived. The next day we got a call from Debbie, our nurse, who told us that my bloodwork came back with increased risk for trisomy. I remember I kept saying "...but the nuchal fold looked so good...". What a surreal moment. I know that this is not as bad as David's case was because his nuchal fold was huge in addition to the results from the bloodwork. I hoping and praying for the best case scenario which is that this is a false positive.....I pray that worst case scenario is that the baby has Down's and not something worse. I know that it is EXTREMELY rare for one family to have two children with severe chromosomal abnormalities, so this also gives me encouragement. I can't help but feel nervous and scared because this is such a bad case of dejavu. I guess that is why I am awake at 5 a.m. putting all my thoughts and feelings in my blog.
Blessings: Jeff and I have had a pretty rough patch lately. Lots of things I never thought we would face and we are trying to work things out. It isn't easy but we are trying. Recently, someone told me about the statistic of divorce among couples who experience the loss of a child. I looked it up and was stunned! While what Jeff and I are going through is not ideal, it is not abnormal among couples who have experienced what we have. This gives me hope in that our troubles lately are not because of cracks in our marital foundation, but maybe it all stems from emotions and communication issues.
Another Blessing is the team of people who are caring for me during this pregnancy (they are the same wonderful people who cared for me during my pregnancy with David). Dr. Lowery even rescheduled appts so that he could make a special trip to do the CVS procedure tomorrow (well, since it is after 5 a.m. maybe it is now "today"). The level of commitment these people have to their patients astounds me! I absolutely love how dedicated they are!
More Blessings come from the elders at our church, Cornerstone Bible Fellowship. They are helping Jeff and I through this rough patch and they have never wavered in supporting us through all of the difficulties we have faced.
Even more Blessings come from our friends and family members who leave loving messages on Facebook and in our email. I am a bit too overwhelmed to respond to them all right now but I will respond to them all after the CVS procedure is done and I have some time to myself afterwards.
The CVS procedure is scheduled from 12:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. on Friday, November 20th. If I am still in the procedure at 2 p.m., Jeff will have to leave me there and go pick up the kids from their schools in Sherwood and in Jacksonville and then come back to Little Rock to pick me up. I am just thankful that Jeff was able to get off work for the afternoon.
Weird stuff: My poor Mom's condo caught on fire Wednesday night. When she got home from work, there were people standing around outside the building, firetrucks were there, and some women she had never seen before was holding her dog. The fire started in the unit next to hers and my mom's condo has quite a bit of damage to it but it is not as bad as it could have been. My precious Mom is taking all of this with a great sense of humor and I admire her so much for that! I hope to be like that some day. :0)
Here is the video link about the fire and still photos of the blaze and aftermath (my mom's house is the one with the broken windows, curtain hanging out, and garage door hanging crooked....the fire department had to break into her house and go into the attic to try to keep the blaze from spreading):
http://bigcountryhomepage.com/content/fulltext/?cid=195232
There has been so many things lately that have hit our family. I feel as if there is a spiritual war going on and my family is smack in the middle of it. I pray that God give us the peace we had throughout our time with David and that He shows us what He wants us to do in these situations.
Most of all, I pray for the best case scenario for out Little Peanut!
Friday, September 18, 2009
The strangest thing...
I don't understand the human mind. Seeing that I am going to finish my final psychology class on Monday night and get my Bachelor's degree in psychology, this is not a great thing to admit. Sure there are some theories that make sense to me but honestly, I don't understand how it truly works; more specifically, I don't understand how my mind words.
When I don't get enough sleep for long periods of time, my thoughts are scattered, I am more emotional than usual, and I feel so tired even when I am just sitting. However, there must be a secret time clock in my head that I had not been aware of for the previous thirty-something years of my life. My mind instantly knows how long it has been since David was born. Seven weeks ago tonight, he was born. It was the first and last time I will ever hold him in my arms. Lately, Saturday through Thursday are "normal", but, Fridays are unpredictable for me.
Earlier today, Jeff and I took Zach to get the flu mist (Grace had hers yesterday) and of course there are lots of babies in the pediatrician's office. Jeff looked at me as if he was worried that the babies might make me sad, but I did Ok. I looked at those precious babies, I told the parents how beautiful their babies are, and thanked God for how healthy they looked. But now that everyone is asleep, the house is quiet and I am up by myself, I feel so sad. I know we are Blessed to have Drake, Grace and Zach. I know we are Blessed to have had David at all and to have had him change our lives so much. I know we are Blessed to have a church family that checks on us, loves us and prays for us. But I still feel sad and want to cry. It doesn't happen this way all the time anymore. Usually I can smile when I think of David. But Fridays are just different and I guess the late night hours are the worst.
I wish I could shut off the secret time clock in my head and not subconsciously keep track of the time since David was born. I wish I would not feel sad. I wish I could just be happy that my son is in Heaven with Our Lord and Savior and not miss him so much. I wish I could be a better child of God and show everyone that my faith in Him takes away my worldly worries and troubles. I know that Christians are never told that our lives will be easy when we have faith in Him. I just wish I felt like I were doing a better job of showing my faith to others. I wish I could show everyone that I am disciplined enough to keep my eyes on God through all things. But the truth is, I am fallible. I have weak moments. I have trouble seeing God through my sadness sometimes. I have trouble being obedient in prayer when I feel alone and in pain in the wee hours of sleepless nights. All I can do is to retrain myself in these things again. It will take time. I just have to be patient with myself and put reminders of my favorite Scriptures up all over the place.
For now, this is Ok with me. I just hope that if someone comes over to our house and sees an index card taped on the wall across from our potty that they don't ask me why it's there. I just hope they read it, ingest it (the Scripture not the index card), and finish their business while ignoring the water stains on the ceiling from the rains.
When I don't get enough sleep for long periods of time, my thoughts are scattered, I am more emotional than usual, and I feel so tired even when I am just sitting. However, there must be a secret time clock in my head that I had not been aware of for the previous thirty-something years of my life. My mind instantly knows how long it has been since David was born. Seven weeks ago tonight, he was born. It was the first and last time I will ever hold him in my arms. Lately, Saturday through Thursday are "normal", but, Fridays are unpredictable for me.
Earlier today, Jeff and I took Zach to get the flu mist (Grace had hers yesterday) and of course there are lots of babies in the pediatrician's office. Jeff looked at me as if he was worried that the babies might make me sad, but I did Ok. I looked at those precious babies, I told the parents how beautiful their babies are, and thanked God for how healthy they looked. But now that everyone is asleep, the house is quiet and I am up by myself, I feel so sad. I know we are Blessed to have Drake, Grace and Zach. I know we are Blessed to have had David at all and to have had him change our lives so much. I know we are Blessed to have a church family that checks on us, loves us and prays for us. But I still feel sad and want to cry. It doesn't happen this way all the time anymore. Usually I can smile when I think of David. But Fridays are just different and I guess the late night hours are the worst.
I wish I could shut off the secret time clock in my head and not subconsciously keep track of the time since David was born. I wish I would not feel sad. I wish I could just be happy that my son is in Heaven with Our Lord and Savior and not miss him so much. I wish I could be a better child of God and show everyone that my faith in Him takes away my worldly worries and troubles. I know that Christians are never told that our lives will be easy when we have faith in Him. I just wish I felt like I were doing a better job of showing my faith to others. I wish I could show everyone that I am disciplined enough to keep my eyes on God through all things. But the truth is, I am fallible. I have weak moments. I have trouble seeing God through my sadness sometimes. I have trouble being obedient in prayer when I feel alone and in pain in the wee hours of sleepless nights. All I can do is to retrain myself in these things again. It will take time. I just have to be patient with myself and put reminders of my favorite Scriptures up all over the place.
For now, this is Ok with me. I just hope that if someone comes over to our house and sees an index card taped on the wall across from our potty that they don't ask me why it's there. I just hope they read it, ingest it (the Scripture not the index card), and finish their business while ignoring the water stains on the ceiling from the rains.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
David's Headstone Came In Yesterday....
We sure miss our little man! Sleep well, my angel boy. We will have many adventures together when we see each other again in Heaven. I love you forever. Praise God for His Blessings!
I am feeling SO GOOD today! Last night was the first night in months that I was able to get a good, solid, deep sleep from 11 p.m. all the way to 7:30 a.m. without any nightmares and without waking up at all! PRAISE GOD!!
Yesterday, my mom went to see David at the cemetery and she saw that his beautiful headstone had arrived. She sent a picture of it to me. Elmwood did a wonderful job on his little headstone. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of David at least a hundred times a day but now it doesn't sting as badly as it had before. I still have huge heartaches for him but now I can think of him and smile without as many tears as I had before. I don't know if the tears will ever go away completely. That's Ok with me. Tears are precious to Our Lord and they are signs that I recognize the Blessings He has given to me and the precious little Blessing that is awaiting me in Heaven, my David.
My prayer today is that everyone sees the glory of God everwhere around them and that everyone sees His Hand purposefully creating beauty in them from the inside. I pray for an abundance of Blessings to everyone especially the brokenhearted, lonely, discouraged and anxious.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Phillippians 4:6
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Postpartum Stuff
Well, we went to my postpartum visit with Dr. McKelvey yesterday morning. I thank God she is my doctor! She understood how difficult it was to be in the same place where she had to give me devastating news so many times this past summer. She is such an encouraging, lovely person. She definitely is a blessing to me! :0)
Jeff went with me to my appointment and we were able to talk to Noelle, the genetic counselor. We know that trisomy 18 is just a fluke but we want to know more about trisomies and SMA recessive genes before we try again....if I can try again. Dr. McKelvey suggested that I should be able to get pregnant again even though in February of this year Dr. Taylor told me I was going through early menopause (at the ripe old age of 38....I couldn't believe it).
Make no mistake....if we do get pregnant again it is not an effort to replace David. One child can never replace another. I noticed in Dr. McKelvey's office that there was a poster of fetal development on the wall. Jeff and I studied it for quite some time. I was saddened that David didn't fit the "normal" month 5 fetal development; rather he fit more into the month 4 fetal development category. Dr. McKelvey tells me that T18 babies just don't develop at the same rate as normal babies do.
When David was born we knew that he had already passed, yet the delivery room was so saturated with God's presence and with the power of David that we were able to experience peace that surpasses all understanding. We cried tears of sadness, joy, love, and grief but we felt peace.
On a side note, I think our culture has lost a vital aspect of healing by eliminating the "wailing wall". How cleansing would it be to be able to go to a place and just wail? A place where wailing is accepted and expected? A place where tears and cries of grief are Ok? I think once we finish our kitchen (if it EVER gets finished), I am going to dedicate our home as a modern-day wailing wall where any and everyone who needs a good, cleansing wail is welcome.
At first, I didn't want to post any pictures of David. They just seemed too personal. But I desperately wanted people to see how perfect God's gift to us was. David's little body in no way reflected how magnificent and huge his spirit was. I have posted some of the beautiful pictures that Jill Meyer, our NILMDTS photographer took of our David on his birthday, July 31, 2009.
I beg you all to look at David through the eyes of God and through the eyes of a Mommy and Daddy. Each time I see these pictures, David's perfection renders me speechless. :0)
Blessings!
Jeff went with me to my appointment and we were able to talk to Noelle, the genetic counselor. We know that trisomy 18 is just a fluke but we want to know more about trisomies and SMA recessive genes before we try again....if I can try again. Dr. McKelvey suggested that I should be able to get pregnant again even though in February of this year Dr. Taylor told me I was going through early menopause (at the ripe old age of 38....I couldn't believe it).
Make no mistake....if we do get pregnant again it is not an effort to replace David. One child can never replace another. I noticed in Dr. McKelvey's office that there was a poster of fetal development on the wall. Jeff and I studied it for quite some time. I was saddened that David didn't fit the "normal" month 5 fetal development; rather he fit more into the month 4 fetal development category. Dr. McKelvey tells me that T18 babies just don't develop at the same rate as normal babies do.
When David was born we knew that he had already passed, yet the delivery room was so saturated with God's presence and with the power of David that we were able to experience peace that surpasses all understanding. We cried tears of sadness, joy, love, and grief but we felt peace.
On a side note, I think our culture has lost a vital aspect of healing by eliminating the "wailing wall". How cleansing would it be to be able to go to a place and just wail? A place where wailing is accepted and expected? A place where tears and cries of grief are Ok? I think once we finish our kitchen (if it EVER gets finished), I am going to dedicate our home as a modern-day wailing wall where any and everyone who needs a good, cleansing wail is welcome.
At first, I didn't want to post any pictures of David. They just seemed too personal. But I desperately wanted people to see how perfect God's gift to us was. David's little body in no way reflected how magnificent and huge his spirit was. I have posted some of the beautiful pictures that Jill Meyer, our NILMDTS photographer took of our David on his birthday, July 31, 2009.
I beg you all to look at David through the eyes of God and through the eyes of a Mommy and Daddy. Each time I see these pictures, David's perfection renders me speechless. :0)
Blessings!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
